Thou Shalt Not

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. That doesn't mean, though, that there aren't some things that you should just never do; things so inherently odious and reprehensible that any civilised person instinctively recoils from them in horror. We're not dealing with things like rape and murder - those are wrong in obvious ways and for obvious reasons. Rather we are concerned with things whose wrongness may often be difficult to explain, but is nonetheless absolutely undeniable, even for barbarians from the wastelands at the edge of civilisation (Aberdeen or the colonies, for example).

Tragically, however, there are some people who, through no fault of their own, have never been exposed to these basic rules of civilised conduct (whether due to having been brought up in one of those wastelands, or perhaps for some other reason). It's the duty of all of us who are more fortunate to take the time to educate these poor deprived individuals, so that they can avoid the stigma attached to violating these most basic of principles.

To facilitate their rehabilitation, I have undertaken to construct a (partial) list of potential pitfalls to be avoided. If you notice anything that's missing, please email me and I'll endeavour to add it as soon as possible. If we can save even one person from committing one of the listed atrocities, it will all have been worthwhile.

On to the list:

• Thou shalt not: wear your watch on the right wrist.
  Ever noticed how the knob is on the right, where you can get to it if the watch is on your left wrist, but not your right? That's not a coincidence. (This doesn't really apply to digital watches, but if you wear one of those, there's probably no hope for you anyway.)
• Thou shalt not: put milk in Earl Gray.
  This is perhaps the strongest argument I know of for capital punishment.
• Thou shalt not: refer to bands as if they were singular.
  For example, you should say Limp Bizkit are crap, and not Limp Bizkit is crap (although your intention would of course still be admirable).
• Thou shalt not: refer to drinks by affectionate nicknames.
  For example, referring to vodka as "voddy" is good grounds for being used as a test subject for its flammability.
• Thou shalt not: rub your thighs in public.
  Rubbing the thighs of passing strangers is likewise unacceptable.
• Thou shalt not: describe hardware as sexy, except in an ironic sense.
  The robot Buffy the Vampire Slayer is, of course, an exception.
• Thou shalt not: wear a baseball cap the wrong way around.
  Baseball caps have a skip/shade clearly designed for the purpose of keeping the sun out of your eyes. It is an immutable law of the universe that only alien creatures (like goldfish) require shade for their eyes from behind.
• Thou shalt not: abrevi8 txt mssgs.
  How much time can you actually save by removing three letters and replacing them with one? How much time can you save by removing your vowels? Why do you think Jebus invented predictive text phones?

With thanks to Steven and Jamie
two right thinking people
for their invaluable contributions (everything after the first 3)

http://www.houseofsin.net/
Gavin M. Doig
Do You Believe That?